My Body Is Changing & I Don’t Know How To Feel About It

I’ve started & stopped this draft many times, mostly because my feelings keep changing. Here’s what I know: I got health insurance this year (thanks Obama!) and I’ve finally started seeking treatment for my PCOS. On my first visit to my Angel Doctor, she walked into the exam room and said: “treating PCOS is my favorite”. Obviously, we were instant best friends.

Since then, I’ve been on a rollercoaster of tests and medication mixes. Some have helped, but some have caused major disruptions. One of them is apparently going to cause weight to “melt” off me as it sets right one of my internal wrongs. Before I even started that particular medication, I quit gluten again (I miss good pizza), broke up with white carbs at Angel Doctor’s urging, and lost four pounds in five days as a result. Yay?

One night over unlimited tacos & sangria – OH YEAH – I shared the update with my friends. They wanted to be excited for me but didn’t know if they should. Honestly, that’s pretty much how I feel about it, too. I’ve had a tortured relationship with my weight & the way it’s viewed by the medical community. I gave up the idea of “trying to lose weight” in college, but I’ve tried to make positive lifestyle changes on & off for years now with little to no results. It doesn’t take long for me to get frustrated and give up.

And now, thanks to Angel Doctor, I know why. But I’ve also made peace with my body & my size long ago. Do I wish that other people’s reactions were different? Absolutely, but what other people think of me is none of my business. I’m relieved that none of the doctors on my medical team (it’s fun to think of them in squad formation) are pressuring me to lose weight or being judgemental. They want to help me figure out the mess I’ve allowed my health to become over the past ten years and they’re doing a pretty great job so far. I trust them and that’s far more than I can say for any other medical professional I’ve encountered.

So maybe I’ll lose weight, maybe I won’t. I’m happy either way, as long as the medical issues that have been holding me back start being managed. My goal is to get out there & live without these obstacles getting in the way. Of course, it won’t change all the times I couldn’t buy clothes because a brand stopped at a size 24 when people refused to sit next to me on a flight, or all the anxiety I get about taking up space in public places. Being “healthy” isn’t always about how much kale you eat or how much you weigh, and giving in to the pressure that I feel to be a “good fatty” (working out, being fit, or publicly sharing my bloodwork results) won’t change my value as a person.

A lot of things are going to change this year and I’m energized by the possibilities. I’m excited to experience life without so many physical & emotional obstacles. Maybe, just maybe, this is the year I get to realize my purpose. Wouldn’t that be crazy?